Moving on.... I was talking with my awesome Pastor (and no he is not paying me to say that, I don't think he knows I have this blog... anyway) and well he and I were talking about relationships and what to do when a relationship has wounds, or rather a sharp turn in the road... resulting in conflict, hurt feelings, pain, anger. And the bottom line.... to live peacefully with all men. I am not perfect, but I reflect on the past few months with some relationships in my life which have gone south. Both of them are with people who were kinda close to me.... and you know.... I know that I can say with full assurance I have done what I need to do to move forward. I have sought forgiveness.... and I can't be held responsible nor continue to feel guilty if the other party choses not to do so. I have asked questions and sought to truly reconcile (and yes, we all know I am direct-- I am working on it.... slowly, but nonetheless). Today I realize.... there is nothing I can do to make either person forgive me. I know I can face Jesus and say.... I hold no anger, grudge, or bitterness. I also reflect on something my dear friend Genessa said: If someone can make it a point to avoid, make life alterations, talk about it, be angry, hurt.... claim victim in that... then they still do care-- and there is no way the person can be indifferent. I can't make K or A forgive me. That is between them and God at this point. I have sought forgiveness and I can't keep selling myself in order to beg for it. I have gone to God and I know He has forgiven me, I have forgiven myself, and I have asked for it. I am someone who needs to be in control (duh, ya think?!) and I can't control other people and how they feel. I am in control though of how much I let people hurt me, and I will not let people turn the tables to not accept their end/responsibility in things going south. It takes two for communication to suffer. I have been open, honest, and available. I have asked for forgiveness and it has not been given... it is their heart and not mine. I answer to God for MY actions not the actions of others. Mike was telling me today while I was at the church-- well rather reminding me-- that if at all possible we are to live at peace with all men. I have done all I can on my end. I don't have guilt. I don't have bitterness and anger. I am over it. Any other issues are no longer mine but K and A. Individual and separate, but similar. I am available when they are ready to forgive and reconcile. I have nothing bad to say about either woman, and would be a hypocrite to do so. I have my opinions yes.... but it has also changed. I care about them as people and am open to having them in my life... when they have come to a point of forgiveness, reconciliation, and are also ready to take responsibility for their roles as well. Like Mike says in church a lot "Christianity is simple, but it is not easy". And this is very true. The Bible outlines it.... we live in obedience, but it is not an easy task. Our flesh will still battle the spirit to come out with its claws out... but God conquers ALL!
Another lesson: Don't use email, texting, or IM to solve a problem or conflict. Tones get misconstrued, meanings get misread. And respect a person enough to take some real time to call or spend some time with the person. If you care enough to be angry, bitter, or upset... then that energy should be used to work it out. (Silence is not always golden).
Another lesson: Listen to your roommates when they tell you not to mix things ;)
Prayer: Job situation, Kristi's summer in Napa as she cares for her Grandma, my friend (Kristi's cousin) Matt as he prepares in raising money and whatnot for a missions trip with his church to Africa. For Megan who is currently training in the mission field, my parents, and my health with this allergy ordeal!
That's all! I promise to be more interesting and insightful.... at some point.... :)
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