With the ways of life comes the unexpected. After hearing James 1:2, it came into play in my own life. God is working, and I don't understand. I know there is a purpose, and for the first time in awhile I am really doing everything I can to trust Him. I have been waking up alot earlier than my alarm and I know this is the time God is giving me to give back to Him. Before even getting out of bed I am reading my bible and praying. Praying for Lakeside, the youth group, my roommates, my family, Mike, our relationship, and the changes and eliminations needed in my life.
I grew up as the loud and social butterfly. Underneath that I feared criticism and those close to me were not as supportive of the things I wanted to do in life. Going to Cal Poly was never a goal of mine people took seriously. When I wanted to move to SLO back when I was 16 I was discouraged by so many people; being told it would never happen, or that there was no way I was smart enough to get into Poly. I worked more to prove them wrong than to do it for myself and to achieve my goal. I test the waters of my goals to make sure that is what I want, as I did with SLO/Cal Poly. A couple years ago I wanted to graduate and then move to NYC. My confirmation of that desire was in NY over break. Great to visit, but after a week being there I was aching to be home, and I still had 5 days left in NY. It was a great visit, but my heart for NY was not what it is for SLO, and never will be. I love SLO and it has such a special place in my heart and has since my first year of Camp Challenge when I was 13.
As I make my goals known I still wonder how that all fits in to God's plan. I guess he will reveal that to me when I am supposed to know. I also know I have personal goals when it comes to my relationship with Michael.... til I am out of debt (credit cards, medical bills), then I will not think about a serious relationship with him which would bind us together. I will not have him inherit that debt, and it is not right. I also have growing to do. Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 woman is who I need to be.
My sabbatical from Michael.... a time of reflection of my own heart and the damage I contribute to our relationship. My sharp tongue and attitude which comes off as manipulative, and I am not going to make excuses. I don't mean to give grief, I don't mean to embarrass or belittle. I don't know why. You know when Paul in Romans 7 talks about doing the things we don't want to do, but we do them anyway? I know it more references other sins, but even in this case it is like a flesh and spirit battle, and the spirit is losing to my pride and it sucks. I know what is right and I want what is right and yet can't do it? What is wrong with me? How close is God to me if it is all happening? Praying that God will reveal my heart to me more and where He needs to be in it. How can I be more encouraging for Michael. I know that these things are pushing Michael away.... God is working, I have gotten so much encouragement from people at church without my saying anything that we have been in their prayers jointly and individually, and also some text messages. So I know God is being faithful and listening, and I am not exercising trust and patience.... even though I am so tempted to do what is in my nature... not trust and hound.
Read 1 Corinthians if you have the time. It has been a blessing to me in my morning time in the Word. I am about to go through The Purpose Driven Life again I think.... we will see once I have a good chunk of this senior project done.
Prayer Requests: Housing for me and my roommates, work, senior project, My relationship with God, My tongue and attitude, Mike, our relationship.
Thanks friends, in Christ,
Caitlyn
p.s.: I did it!! De-activated and canceled my myspace! It was a good decision I think :)
p.p.s: Took Graduation pics this week. Let me know if you would like to see more.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Personal Goals
I have been given the opportunity to take the time to really think about what my goals are. Personal goals. I just don't want that to get in the way of what God wants me to do for him. What if my goals are not in tune with what God would want? Because we as people have the freedom to choose, what if I have these goals and they are not in line with Him. Well I guess God will modify, cut, and change if necessary huh?
My personal goals:
1. 15 minutes of fame
2. Youth Ministry
3. Have an entertainment business with a venue for Christian artists can come perform. Being able to plan and implement entertainment events for the Central Coast
4. Plan a BIG event like the Emmy's or The Oscars. I just want to do it once. Plan everything from themes, colors, and get the hosts and the announcers and presenters.... that would be awesome. Maybe that will contribute to my 15 minutes of fame.
5. Be healthy and in-shape (I am going to need help with this one.... encouragement).
So I know with goals comes conditioning and foundation. Looks like I will be going back to school at some point to get some knowledge of Business Law and Media Licensing and getting permissions. We barely touch on it with my Event Management and Risk Management classes.
So... that's what I want to do. It is the first time I have put them in print.... maybe that makes them seem more tangible!
My personal goals:
1. 15 minutes of fame
2. Youth Ministry
3. Have an entertainment business with a venue for Christian artists can come perform. Being able to plan and implement entertainment events for the Central Coast
4. Plan a BIG event like the Emmy's or The Oscars. I just want to do it once. Plan everything from themes, colors, and get the hosts and the announcers and presenters.... that would be awesome. Maybe that will contribute to my 15 minutes of fame.
5. Be healthy and in-shape (I am going to need help with this one.... encouragement).
So I know with goals comes conditioning and foundation. Looks like I will be going back to school at some point to get some knowledge of Business Law and Media Licensing and getting permissions. We barely touch on it with my Event Management and Risk Management classes.
So... that's what I want to do. It is the first time I have put them in print.... maybe that makes them seem more tangible!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
A lovely May Day
Time just seems to be flying. With 2 jobs and a senior project to complete... life seems a little crazy. In craziness there are updates and life just being what it is.... some personal feelings, thoughts, and reflections of the sorts.
My senior project data collection is not what I had hoped for and less than my goal. The low amount of questionnaires I received back becomes my limitation of my study, and it is something I will get to write about. With chapter 3 due this week, it is about time for me to visit Cal Poly writing lab for help on being repetative in my review of literature, in order to improve my arguments and information regarding Destination Image and Push/Pull Factors of Tourism.
My job at The Villages has taken my by surprise. I was transferred to a different building very unsure of whether or not I would like it, and I find myself becoming more comfortable here. I do know in the long run I would like to work for the cuty, but for now I am content. I am blessed to work with so many people who are Christians who truly have a passion for Jesus, and it is very encouraging. The Executive Director at my work said the right thing to me this morning in the midst of my trials and stress and referred to James 1:2 where James talks about rejoycing in our trials. It is so hard to do, but she was talking about how she has come to truly worship Jesus. Being humble because we have a King who went to the cross and was nailed there... for us! It was very encouraging and I definitely needed to hear it.
Church. Well I feel burned out and it has been like that for awhile. I feel like I need something else, and going elsewhere may be the way to get it. The past year I definitely gave up spiritual growth to help fill a need. I absolutely know God exists and have seen him provide and reveal himself in situations and see the joy he brings through other people. But why don't I feel it? Is it my lack of trust? I know God works everything out, that is never the issue for me, it is my making time. When is the last time I had a quiet time? Seems like forever ago. I feel like I am so go-go-go, that the best pouring in I get is at church through worship and through music in my car.
The boy. Well that's something that perplexes me. I think I fear completely trusting him in that I always think of worst case scenario and doubt. I feel like I am full of doubt lately, and why? I don't know. I know Mike is my best friend but sometimes it also feels like we are speaking two different languages. I feel like I push and push more than I need to and should. I don't do sitting back very well, I like to know what's going on, when it is going on, and if it is about me, I HAVE to know. And ya know? I think it has been a rift for us to conquer.
Life: Personally. I feel confused about alot of things lately. Am I really wanting to do something in Rec? I feel like I have no idea what I want to do, if God really has a specific area in life he wants me in, and I wonder where or if I made a wrong turn somewhere. I came to SLO because I loved it, at the time there was a guy here I was involved with and that was such a huge factor (stupid of me). The past 6 years have been trying. Sometimes I feel like everything is perfect, couldn't be better, and others.... not. I feel like I try too hard, and I feel like sometimes there is Coffee Bean Caitlyn, roommate Caitlyn, daughter Caitlyn, girlfriend Caitlyn, friend Caitlyn... and it all never seems to mesh together. Don had a message on Sunday that I always remember from the "After Jeremiah" experience. Reading Proverbs 31 and Titus 2. I remember telling myself I had to be that woman before I could marry and that everyday I need to ask God to make me that person. Watching Evan Almighty a few weeks back, God (in the movie played by Morgan Freeman) says that when we pray for patience, God doesn't give it to us directly, but the opportunities. I feel like I have missed so many opportunities to be grown and challenged and to be a better friend, girlfriend, roommate, daughter. Lately, I see Jesus in others at my work more than I see Him working at church. I remember going to church in jr. high and high school thinking "how is this any different than reading my bible at home?" Mike told me a long time ago that it is not the church's job to be my teaching of the Word, but my job. And I think about that now. I get out of it what I put into it right? I should not expect anyone... Pastor Don, Pastor Tonye, Pastor Mike, or Pastor Tom or Aaron to be why or why I am not getting there. It is my responsibility and I answer for it when I die. Pastor Tonye won't answer for why I didn't grow. I will answer for it. For the past few months, I feel like I have been thinking about death alot. I know... morbid, but thinking about how I am afraid of it to the extent on how I will die. Because I know where I am going, at times by the skid of my teeth, but I know I am going there nonetheless. I think about relationships... I see relationships which are utterly failing. Couples who are "Christians" but nothing more. They go to church, but they have no real spiritual foundation. I see couples who are together who don't love or respect each other. It is like... why? So that creates my doubt in relationships. I was a relationship hater and thought that they were dumb. I wanted to move to NYC be a super busy girl working for ABC Marketing and not have the time for it. And you know.... those doors shut tight. The doors shut for me to continue at Shoreline, and now those doors are closing at Lakeside.
You know the phrase "When one door closes, another one opens"? I am not seeing the later half of that.
My senior project data collection is not what I had hoped for and less than my goal. The low amount of questionnaires I received back becomes my limitation of my study, and it is something I will get to write about. With chapter 3 due this week, it is about time for me to visit Cal Poly writing lab for help on being repetative in my review of literature, in order to improve my arguments and information regarding Destination Image and Push/Pull Factors of Tourism.
My job at The Villages has taken my by surprise. I was transferred to a different building very unsure of whether or not I would like it, and I find myself becoming more comfortable here. I do know in the long run I would like to work for the cuty, but for now I am content. I am blessed to work with so many people who are Christians who truly have a passion for Jesus, and it is very encouraging. The Executive Director at my work said the right thing to me this morning in the midst of my trials and stress and referred to James 1:2 where James talks about rejoycing in our trials. It is so hard to do, but she was talking about how she has come to truly worship Jesus. Being humble because we have a King who went to the cross and was nailed there... for us! It was very encouraging and I definitely needed to hear it.
Church. Well I feel burned out and it has been like that for awhile. I feel like I need something else, and going elsewhere may be the way to get it. The past year I definitely gave up spiritual growth to help fill a need. I absolutely know God exists and have seen him provide and reveal himself in situations and see the joy he brings through other people. But why don't I feel it? Is it my lack of trust? I know God works everything out, that is never the issue for me, it is my making time. When is the last time I had a quiet time? Seems like forever ago. I feel like I am so go-go-go, that the best pouring in I get is at church through worship and through music in my car.
The boy. Well that's something that perplexes me. I think I fear completely trusting him in that I always think of worst case scenario and doubt. I feel like I am full of doubt lately, and why? I don't know. I know Mike is my best friend but sometimes it also feels like we are speaking two different languages. I feel like I push and push more than I need to and should. I don't do sitting back very well, I like to know what's going on, when it is going on, and if it is about me, I HAVE to know. And ya know? I think it has been a rift for us to conquer.
Life: Personally. I feel confused about alot of things lately. Am I really wanting to do something in Rec? I feel like I have no idea what I want to do, if God really has a specific area in life he wants me in, and I wonder where or if I made a wrong turn somewhere. I came to SLO because I loved it, at the time there was a guy here I was involved with and that was such a huge factor (stupid of me). The past 6 years have been trying. Sometimes I feel like everything is perfect, couldn't be better, and others.... not. I feel like I try too hard, and I feel like sometimes there is Coffee Bean Caitlyn, roommate Caitlyn, daughter Caitlyn, girlfriend Caitlyn, friend Caitlyn... and it all never seems to mesh together. Don had a message on Sunday that I always remember from the "After Jeremiah" experience. Reading Proverbs 31 and Titus 2. I remember telling myself I had to be that woman before I could marry and that everyday I need to ask God to make me that person. Watching Evan Almighty a few weeks back, God (in the movie played by Morgan Freeman) says that when we pray for patience, God doesn't give it to us directly, but the opportunities. I feel like I have missed so many opportunities to be grown and challenged and to be a better friend, girlfriend, roommate, daughter. Lately, I see Jesus in others at my work more than I see Him working at church. I remember going to church in jr. high and high school thinking "how is this any different than reading my bible at home?" Mike told me a long time ago that it is not the church's job to be my teaching of the Word, but my job. And I think about that now. I get out of it what I put into it right? I should not expect anyone... Pastor Don, Pastor Tonye, Pastor Mike, or Pastor Tom or Aaron to be why or why I am not getting there. It is my responsibility and I answer for it when I die. Pastor Tonye won't answer for why I didn't grow. I will answer for it. For the past few months, I feel like I have been thinking about death alot. I know... morbid, but thinking about how I am afraid of it to the extent on how I will die. Because I know where I am going, at times by the skid of my teeth, but I know I am going there nonetheless. I think about relationships... I see relationships which are utterly failing. Couples who are "Christians" but nothing more. They go to church, but they have no real spiritual foundation. I see couples who are together who don't love or respect each other. It is like... why? So that creates my doubt in relationships. I was a relationship hater and thought that they were dumb. I wanted to move to NYC be a super busy girl working for ABC Marketing and not have the time for it. And you know.... those doors shut tight. The doors shut for me to continue at Shoreline, and now those doors are closing at Lakeside.
You know the phrase "When one door closes, another one opens"? I am not seeing the later half of that.
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