Farewell and a New Kick Off

I may step on some toes with this blog... but really.... if you really know me... I hope you will respect what I say and if it is of concern you can come to me about it.

So, I have realized I am not a shallow person. When it comes to relationships... I have enough "friends".... I want relationships with people. And I need people to accept me for me. This year I lost a friend for standing up for what I believe was right-- and as a result was not in their wedding, refused to attend, and when I came to her later on to set it straight I got a beat around the bush answer, and you could tell. Is it that hard honey to say "Caitlyn, I really am not interested in being your friend" or "Caitlyn... I am too selfish and into myself and getting married turned me into a bitch"? Be honest about it. If you don't give a flying eff about me... don't pretend you do. I am not looking for that in my life. I am sorry you being married made you a better person than me... no need to get self-righteous about it. And if this is what marriage does to the general population to women then I hope to NEVER get married. I hope to never turn into a bitch or some self righteous double standard individual who acts perfect, and walks around like "tra lala lala...." cause the world will continue to rotate whether you are in it or I am in it.... so neither of us appear to be the center of the universe. I don't want a just correspond over email relationship or a "we are facebook friends and we will catch up that way". That's bull!!! And if this upsets the person (if they actually realize who it is about).... think about why it upsets you and see if I am the bitch you make me out to me, or if you are also part of the problem. While you were planning your "cloud 9 no one else matters event" life kept on going for the rest of the world.... hearts were broken, life was shattered, people passed away, world hunger still occurred. Now.... to hate means there is still emotion and care... and I don't hate her.... it's a disdain for the mask worn throughout our relationship.... its a mask if you were capable to kick me while I was down! And that is not a "Christian" friend I want in my life. I apologized and she never did after the fact when I am sorry everyone else I know around me thought it was all absolute nonesense. I have accepted.... I will never hear an apology because prideful head up their butt people don't see their mistakes.

I realize I can walk around and see shallow relationships and see that well hun, I grew up and out of high school.... care to join me? I have been out 7 years and counting, and it is amazing what honesty and TRUE compassion would do for a relationship.

Now, some will say "no wonder you have issues with your friendships Caitlyn", well yeah.... I call people on their crap, I don't put up with the phonyness, and I will be the first to knock someone off their pedistal if need be. But if you are a true friend... you will love me for it... because I do nothing in hate. I am in your face honest.... (probably 2% of the world population).

As I approach the year after and now what post-college chapter.... I want to close everything I have passed. I lost a few friends.... but maybe they were never friends at all. It's chicken shit to say "I am just not a phone person." or "I live too far". "I am not good at keeping in touch"... cause honey its amazing... if it is important you will make the effort. And not to clear your conscience. In all that.... move forward... don't look back and don't be the people to others as those who have hurt you.

With camp coming... I am excited. It renews so much in me and where I have been and where I am now, and thoughts as to where I am going. I am reminded that it could be worse, even when it looks grim. I am blessed with friends. As Ali and I were talking.... we realized that if we can count on one hand people we can count on.... we are blessed and it is true. I don't need fair weather, two faced people in my life. DON'T LIE TO ME! You are not sparing my feelings. Am I angry... you bet! You have never explained yourself... at least admit "Yeah I am being selfish" it's not that hard. Oh wait... you would have to admit in that... you are the most important person in your life. Sorry.... what was I thinking?!?!

I have so much on my mind as you can tell, and I wrestle with alot. I write what I feel and it is neat to go back and see if there has been progress. And there has. I am caring less about shallow relationships and shallow people. Don't toot your christianity if you can't act like one.

I want to start a new book in my life.... God as the foundation. I want to be the friend I need and love even when the other person seems to be unbearable. I want to be available. I want to serve. I want to serve the people in my life and not make it all about me. I also want the friend who I can depend on and be depended on. I want people to know me as someone who will always be honest. Suzanne is alot like that and I love her for it, and I think that is why her and I get along so well. We call it like it is to each other, and we love each other for it. Jesus was not the one to sugar coat either.... but his motives and intent were love. I want to actively pursue a job.... in something! Out of retail.... Monday through Friday. I want to serve with my church. Continue to develop meaningful relationships and actual relationships. I don't care if you are 5 miles a way or 5000.... we have chats, texting, phones, plans, cars..... its all possible. I hope one day I get an explaination from those who decided they didn't "need" me anymore. I hope they have words worth hearing. If this makes you angry.... speak up! I would love to hear what you have to say.... haha. Unless you want to be a coward some more. My respect for some people has been destroyed... and it will be harder than stone for you to ever get it back. I want to be an open book. I want people to see vulnerability and that I have made it through this past year through Christ who has strengthened me. I have found out who my friends are.... and aren't. People don't like it when you call them on their crap do they?! Is that a guilt reaction?! I thank my friends who have called me on my nonesense and we are still friends. I thank my friends for praying for me. I thank my friends for sticking by me in the hardest time in my life. I thank my friends for loving me when I was not very loveable. I thank my friends for the encouragement as I battled spiritual things, and now medical things... you have been awesome and a reminder from God that He has my back... through you! Thank you. And to the friends I have lost.... maybe you never cared in the first place. And so it is no loss to me. I pray for you still and maybe one day we will reconcile (does not mean the relationship is restored). Because I don't want to carry this weight.... not worth the energy, and way too negative. It's almost summer and its a kick-off: Get in shape and be healthy on all fronts!