3 Seems to be the Pattern

For the past several months I have clung to Romans 8:18: "For I consider that the sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be received in us". I have also been re-examining what I believe and where my heart is. I want and desire to not feel as I do, and I continue to see trial and travesty come my way and I wonder.... what is it I don't get. What do I keep missing that God continues to let these things happen, with no reprieve, with no grace and no mercy. I feel like I have lost the 3 most important people in my life, one that kinda started this whole downhill spiral which I am in I feel like. I feel like my flesh is become angrier and angrier, and that my spiritual is in this losing battle. I feel for months I ask God the same question "Why are you letting this happen?" and I have yet to get an answer. And I have asked the question several times in a month I think. Sometimes I feel like the kid in the classroom on Valentine's Day back when we were in like 4th grade and like one of those kids who get the somewhat empty box while all the other kids are overflowing. I feel like God is bringing upon blessings and good to those around me and either doesn't have enough to bring my way, forgotten, or just is skipping me all together. I used to think it was selfish to get angry with God, and I don't think it is. I mean King David was mad at God alot-- hence some of the Psalms. I feel like the anger is only increasing. I feel like the things that I pray for are not selfish-- heck they are not material things even. I am not mad because God has not given me a brand new car, I am not mad because I don't have a full wardrobe from Betsey Johnson, or mad that I don't live in a mansion. Those things probably wouldn't make me any happier. I pray for things that you would think praise God, are on my heart, and would think would honor him. Praying for reconciliation, praying for job provision, praying for growth. Praying for peace, praying for healing, praying for my mom's health. My prayer list seems to be getting longer, and the length my praise report never changes..... maybe 2 things on it. At the end of this year 2 more people decided to peace out on a friendship, after already seeing the results of my losing the last person who truly was my best friend, and no one else can really compare, and now best friends seem pointless because in the end.... people's only best friends are themselves right? Maybe not. Maybe I am just a bad friend, and not worth the time and Godly relationship... whatever that is anymore. While it does make me wonder if real friends do that, knowing that I am not who I am anymore, or at least right now. Aren't friends supposed to be there for the good, the bad, and the ugly Isn't a friend supposed to love at ALL TIMES? Am I that horrible of a human being that I am not worthy of sticking it through, am I not smart enough, cool enough, pretty enough. Am I not worth forgiving, working through things with, am I worth just being tossed aside? Because when the first person was taken out of my life in their capacity, I thought I would recover eventually, and I am still trying to do that. Then came person number two. It took an event in their life to tear us apart. Happening during the next downhill bounce for me. I wasn't worth it again. This is someone whom brought joy to my life and yet maybe I was never good enough. Because when something better came along, I was tossed aside. I missed one of the most important days of their lives over the issue, and it hurt like hell. More than it did initially. And I think I am that insignificant, I don't think it was noticed my presence was more than lacking. Then there is the next person... and after all this... the breakdown has come, I am ready to shut off myself, and everything I feel and come to realize that I deserve nothing good. This relationship has its arguments, heck it takes two days and usually one of us goes to the other. But because of technical communication, no one taking responsibility for their feelings..... this one takes the cake. I have been told "Let her cool off-- you know how she is." Yeah, worse than me when I am angry. I don't like conflict, I like peace. I am not into shallow relationships, places of tension. I mean it is bad enough people for awhile were avoiding being in the same room with me and someone else because of possible tension. So, is that happening now when again we share the same friends. Do we just take turns? I sat in a corner at a restaurant yesterday wondering "Why am I even here?" The cold stares and the attitude showed it would be better if I wasn't. Then the heartless emails showing no compassion and grace and mercy, but God's name was in there a few times. And I fought back and I always fight back twice as hard. I have been hurt, stabbed in the back, and treated like crap more than enough. Maybe it is deserved. I mean I want Godly relationships, and I want to do things the way God truly wants them. I feel like when it comes to me, He doesn't care how they get done... because the result is the same.... bad. Why is it I desire things of God and am open to them, and He never answers, takes things away, allows me to hurt. I beg for the pain and the anger to stop. I pray for once I would get relief. I am not strong enough. He lets the enemy attack me and is like "eh". 2AM this morning, I wanted my mom more than anything. I also know she can't fight my battles for me, make life better. They have their own stuff, my stuff won't do anything.

What else do I need to lose for God to bring relief? He knows my needs, and they aren't all being met.... so what is going on now? My heart is shattered. My spirit has been kicked to the ground, and while I am there it is like people are kicking me. Well at least it saves me falling to the ground again... I guess you can call that mercy. So I lose 3 of the most important people in my life-- all of which have decided I am just not good enough, and maybe God lacked at the foundation for all those relationships. But 2 of them spouted wanting to honor God-- well their way hasn't, but maybe they are still better people. I feel like every Christian person views themselves better than me. Who they are, and it gets pushed on me. Megan, a friend of mine the other night said something I Like "Christians are like Sublime music [for those who don't know Sublime was a very popular music group in the '90s], great music but annoying fans". Very true. I see Christians as the most judgemental "holier than thou" attitudes, lacking love, grace, and mercy." My other friend named Meghan is not a Christian, and I think I have seen more of the attributes of Christianity and love in her than I see from most Christians. There when I need her. Heck, my friend Danielle isn't one either, but is encouraging and compassionate more than the Christian friends who supposedly have cared. Only until they find out I am not perfect and then they "peace out".

Maybe I don't need friends. Maybe I don't need to get out of debt. Maybe I don't need to do more than barely make it from paycheck to paycheck. Maybe I don't need to possibly go back to school. Maybe I don't need to go to church if God and I are not any closer this month than we were last month. Maybe..... I don't know.