I can tell you that I am seeing the enemy work first hand lately. Placing doubt, trial after trial, and breaking up relationships, causing division and strife, and the body seems to be coming apart. Or maybe.... God was not the foundation of that to begin with. Maybe we make God the excuse for something, but not the reason. Hmmm... interesting.
This past week alone, I am wondering when is God gonna cut me a break. Weird confrontations with people, nerves, fear, my car, money, job situation... all of it... and it is so hard when I feel like God lets all this negative in my life, and I don't even know if Free Will has anything to do with it. I don't think I am making bad financial decisions... I just want to pay to have a roof over my head, and transportation from home to work. Not much, but maybe God is showing me I need nothing. Well I am pretty much there. The past six months I feel like I have gone from up to down and have stayed down. You know the phrase... Don't kick a man while he's down? Well seriously.... I mean since May I think life has continued to just become so depressing, especially after what feels like losing my best friend, and now how I see people in my life has changed, and the impact I let them have. I think that is when it began for me. Seeing life differently. Experiencing God differently, life differently, and my expectations of people had changed. I couldn't depend on people anymore to be here for me or to make me happy-- it's not their job. It is my job to go to God, and it was the last thing I have been doing. I mean I end up in a city alone and lonely. No one. And it never got better, and my depression only deepened, until it was so overwhelming I couldn't live there one more day. My trips to SLO were becoming more frequent, because I needed to be home.
I come home and find the job I was planning on had a hiring freeze-- thanks to the economy, but I have income from working at a store downtown while I look for other things. I apply to numerous jobs daily, have had mulitiple interviews with Sycamore Mineral Springs, Sea Crest Resort, Heritage Oaks Bank, in the past week alone. One job interview ended up being in a sketchy location so I didn't even go-- just did not sit well with me. My search continues until someone wants to hire me. So it is depressing... I have this degree and it is not making me more marketable it feels like.
So, in my goal to remove negativity from my life... I want to focus on the blessings and prayer!
I am blessed by coming home tonight, and Amanda being home... and I could just sit and cry with her. I am blessed Mike didn't freeze up when I broke down in his car tonight driving home. I am blessed he has been awesome in taking me to work and bringing me home, I am blessed he is working on my car; I am blessed by the hearts of Kim and Kristi always being amazing when I come home, and they know how it has been. I can't keep stuff from them... they can see through "I'm fine", and so can Dottie at church, and Maddie is getting there. I am thankful for Maddie's openness to help me get around, I am blessed by the support of my parents, I am blessed by good friends, I am blessed by not being sick, I am blessed I have a job getting some kind of income. While it is not ideal, it is still something. I am thankful that I am still breathing. I am thankful I have clothes on my back and food in my stomach. I am thankful to David for letting me vent tonight.
My prayer requests:
Job Situation
Housing Paperwork to go smoothly
My car
Relationship reconciliation with a few people
I am emotionally on overload and overwhelmed.
My parents
A couple who are going through some things in their marriage, good friends of mine. You can pray for them separately and individually.
Pray for a friend who has slipped away to find his joy again
For me to find my true inner joy again
My finances
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