Battling Inner Demons

When the past smacks you dead in the face, it is not necessarily something you are prepared for. Even if you think you are. You aren't. Last weekend I accompanied Kristi on driving down south so she could attend a wedding of a dear friend of hers and spend time with her brother and sister in-law. This provided the opportunity for me to also spend some much needed time catching up with my friend Meghan, who is newly engaged, and get to know her hubby to be. Also, I went to where I had not been in almost a year.... San Diego. I had made plans to meet up with Garyn for coffee before doing lunch with Bennett and his wife, Laura; along with David and Laura Rasmussen. It was wonderful to be surrounded by familiar friends, and this time it was so different than when I was there last.... I was visiting. But on the way driving down after dropping Kristi off in Capistrano Beach.... a sinking feeling in my gut.... and this weight had dropped on me. I had to keep telling myself... this is not my home anymore, and really it never was, and I just knew the enemy was getting to me. The moments of regret were resurfacing of ever setting foot in San Diego, and yet.... going was so foreign.

I got to San Diego and Garyn and I made plans to meet at Coffee Bean (the last Coffee Bean I worked at in Carmel Mountain), and it was weird.... it felt like I had never been there yet had familiarity (being I had been there for 4 months), and I walked in and it was just.... different. I felt this peace of "this was your life, and you have been healing and moving forward". So after meeting with Garyn I headed to where we were all meeting for lunch (Wesley House Alum lunch kinda), and it was the same route that I would take to go to my house from work while living in San Diego. And the feeling returned. I got through lunch and it was so different.... being in a place that was so distant yet familiar... kinda of like what I came out of. I know where I was emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, but it is so far from me now.... but I recognize it when it makes an appearance. It reminded me I am still healing, and probably will be for a long while. In a lot of ways I want to be who I was 3 1/2 years ago.... so on fire for the Lord, carefree, and moving at a fast pace conquering each of my goals. I am reminded everything happens in the Lord's time from moving on to healing, to forgiveness, and it all starts with us and our relationship with God being solid and moving on from there. I still suffer those moments, but they are becoming more and more few and far inbetween of not wanting to get up in the morning and just wanting to do nothing in bed. Not wanting to face what lies ahead.... but I remember that God wants me to press on towards the call of Jesus Christ.... with each breath in my life. And so everyday it should be my prayer that it would be my heart's desire to do so, and that I regain my strength and passion daily, and be stronger than yesterday. The road has been long and I am still traveling on it, but I have curved around for the better, with a ways to go.