Discouragement Battlefield

Ever have one of those slumps where you just hate life? I think that is where I am right now. Let's go back to my nervousness on Wednesday. Had my second interview, but pretty much think it is not going to go anywhere. While I was never asked about my weaknesses, I was asked about my passions. Now let's be honest..... no one is really passionate about their work.... unless you are a celebrity and you are acting or singing. We work in order to pay for the life we want.... or just to have a roof over our heads. So while I kinda shot myself in the foot with an answer to a question that received "I am not really a fan of that answer" (with a somewhat of a courtesy laugh).... the next 15 minutes felt like torture.... like now were we both wasting each other's time. No matter how much I tried to get myself out of the corner I put myself in. And yes, we can look at this from another answer.... if my genuine answer was not good for them, then really maybe I was not a good fit or they were not a good match for me. But in the big picture.... I am so bored with life. My current job, while it pays the bills, does not satisfy me. I am not challenged by it, I am underpaid, and there is no goal but to keep it. I am tired of hearing "be thankful you have a job". I am thankful.... but I also expect more for myself. I went to college.... the college of choice.... I went to Cal Poly.... it should not be this hard to find a job in state, out of state.... but it is. For 2 years I feel like I have just been scrapping by and wasting my life. What have I given? How far ahead am I? Am I still in major debt? Do I feel a ping of bitterness everytime I pay a student loan payment and yet am not using the degree that put me $23,000 in student loan debt?? I have a goal and I plan to succeed.... here I was thinking last night with a good friend.. "Is it selfish to want to not struggle to make ends meet? If God knows my needs and my heart to be responsible.... why isn't he allowing me to get a job that does that?". I am not a materialistic person by any means. I don't care too much for stuff. I am a little over having to find out what to balance in order to go out to dinner with a friend, and not seem completely lame always saying "yeah, I don't have the money". It is kinda hard to apply Dave Ramsey principles when you are low on resources. I do wonder what God is doing. I pray, I pursue, I am trying to even branch out away from my field of study to find a job that makes ends meet.... to no avail. Why isn't God honoring my desire to better my life? To not be in debt? To not just scrap by every month. I am in a job I don't need a degree for.... why? What is God trying to teach me? Did I do something at some point in my life and now I have messed up any chances for myself to have a good life? At almost 26 years old..... this is not where I want to be. I want to have that job that takes me somewhere.... a job with room for growth professionally. One that garners respect on a resume.

Add that stress and worry and contemplation to the battle I have with a relationship in my life gone sour. A relationship that ended with betrayal to not just me but to people I care about. A relationship that was volatile filled with deception, lies, masks, stealing, no moral compass..... someone who hurts others, but to hell with them as long as they are enjoying the party. Someone who lies about their intentions. Someone who is a horrible example of a few titles this world has given them. A friend asked me last night how long it will take to forgive. I don't know. I want to so I can move on and not be angry sometimes. I mean I am not super angry. I think there was at least 10% of me hoping they would come to their senses, and make things right.... but they didn't even react.... did nothing. Invalidated my feelings..... I expect this from friends sometimes, and sometimes from those I have dated in the past..... but other than that.... no. Someone who knows how I don't like those games.... did it anyway. Then on the other side.... people are suffering because unfortunately they are in this person's path of destruction, and these are people I love and care about deeply.... and I feel so helpless than I can't do more than just pray.

So yes, I am battling discouragement and really just want to throw in the towel on the job thing and be "content" and complacent with where I am. Why even try when it is followed with rejection? Or no acknowledgement. I pray these feelings too shall pass!