When it rains it pours....

How is it when it rains it always pours? It never sprinkles, and there never seems to be an end in sight until everything around me is completely destroyed. There is my emo comment for the day.

I find myself talking to God in my head "Why are you letting this happen?" or "I am listening...." and yet nothing. Why does God let all this crap happen with my credit preventing my promotion? Why does he let my full-time hours dwindle away? Why does something start that looks promising... gets my hopes up that this could be it... and then nothing. Whether it comes to my being able to transfer back to my Pismo stomping grounds, to someone asking me to be their roommate, to being told that my district manager is not going to fight HR with me on my background check, or going through two interviews and no one can follow up thereafter. I am afraid to hope, because it wastes my energy. I think "finally, God is letting good happen" or "this is what God was having me wait for!" But then, it would fall the cracks. So here I am discouraged, on the ground, yes a little mad at God.

I have all these needs, and not the means to meet them. I have bills to pay, I have debt that I know needs to be settled. I work hard, I barely sleep, I live where I don't necessarily want to. I am burnt out, I am tired, and I don't want to do this anymore, and I shouldn't have to. I am not saying I am better than anyone, but when does it pay off? Why work this hard, have all these pure motives and for it to never see the surface?

Last night I got an email from a woman in AG asking if I was still looking for a place in the area. she continued saying she was looking for a nanny for her son 3 days a week in exchange for living in her one bedroom detached (I think detached) Guest House. Sweet deal, and sounds too good to be true.... and I can work the other 4 days. I have another lead where my references have been checked. So now I wait. Another ideal and not wanting to be hopeful. I am tired of getting excited for something, I am tired of having all this crap happen and I need a break. I need some slack. Life is just coming down harder and harder and I am not strong enough for this.

So what next God? Am I gonna get sick? Lose my car? I mean come on..... Grrr..... I am not knocking on wood. I figure God is gonna do what He wants or not, and well I will probabyl continue to build up my frustration.