A lovely May Day

Time just seems to be flying. With 2 jobs and a senior project to complete... life seems a little crazy. In craziness there are updates and life just being what it is.... some personal feelings, thoughts, and reflections of the sorts.



My senior project data collection is not what I had hoped for and less than my goal. The low amount of questionnaires I received back becomes my limitation of my study, and it is something I will get to write about. With chapter 3 due this week, it is about time for me to visit Cal Poly writing lab for help on being repetative in my review of literature, in order to improve my arguments and information regarding Destination Image and Push/Pull Factors of Tourism.



My job at The Villages has taken my by surprise. I was transferred to a different building very unsure of whether or not I would like it, and I find myself becoming more comfortable here. I do know in the long run I would like to work for the cuty, but for now I am content. I am blessed to work with so many people who are Christians who truly have a passion for Jesus, and it is very encouraging. The Executive Director at my work said the right thing to me this morning in the midst of my trials and stress and referred to James 1:2 where James talks about rejoycing in our trials. It is so hard to do, but she was talking about how she has come to truly worship Jesus. Being humble because we have a King who went to the cross and was nailed there... for us! It was very encouraging and I definitely needed to hear it.



Church. Well I feel burned out and it has been like that for awhile. I feel like I need something else, and going elsewhere may be the way to get it. The past year I definitely gave up spiritual growth to help fill a need. I absolutely know God exists and have seen him provide and reveal himself in situations and see the joy he brings through other people. But why don't I feel it? Is it my lack of trust? I know God works everything out, that is never the issue for me, it is my making time. When is the last time I had a quiet time? Seems like forever ago. I feel like I am so go-go-go, that the best pouring in I get is at church through worship and through music in my car.

The boy. Well that's something that perplexes me. I think I fear completely trusting him in that I always think of worst case scenario and doubt. I feel like I am full of doubt lately, and why? I don't know. I know Mike is my best friend but sometimes it also feels like we are speaking two different languages. I feel like I push and push more than I need to and should. I don't do sitting back very well, I like to know what's going on, when it is going on, and if it is about me, I HAVE to know. And ya know? I think it has been a rift for us to conquer.

Life: Personally. I feel confused about alot of things lately. Am I really wanting to do something in Rec? I feel like I have no idea what I want to do, if God really has a specific area in life he wants me in, and I wonder where or if I made a wrong turn somewhere. I came to SLO because I loved it, at the time there was a guy here I was involved with and that was such a huge factor (stupid of me). The past 6 years have been trying. Sometimes I feel like everything is perfect, couldn't be better, and others.... not. I feel like I try too hard, and I feel like sometimes there is Coffee Bean Caitlyn, roommate Caitlyn, daughter Caitlyn, girlfriend Caitlyn, friend Caitlyn... and it all never seems to mesh together. Don had a message on Sunday that I always remember from the "After Jeremiah" experience. Reading Proverbs 31 and Titus 2. I remember telling myself I had to be that woman before I could marry and that everyday I need to ask God to make me that person. Watching Evan Almighty a few weeks back, God (in the movie played by Morgan Freeman) says that when we pray for patience, God doesn't give it to us directly, but the opportunities. I feel like I have missed so many opportunities to be grown and challenged and to be a better friend, girlfriend, roommate, daughter. Lately, I see Jesus in others at my work more than I see Him working at church. I remember going to church in jr. high and high school thinking "how is this any different than reading my bible at home?" Mike told me a long time ago that it is not the church's job to be my teaching of the Word, but my job. And I think about that now. I get out of it what I put into it right? I should not expect anyone... Pastor Don, Pastor Tonye, Pastor Mike, or Pastor Tom or Aaron to be why or why I am not getting there. It is my responsibility and I answer for it when I die. Pastor Tonye won't answer for why I didn't grow. I will answer for it. For the past few months, I feel like I have been thinking about death alot. I know... morbid, but thinking about how I am afraid of it to the extent on how I will die. Because I know where I am going, at times by the skid of my teeth, but I know I am going there nonetheless. I think about relationships... I see relationships which are utterly failing. Couples who are "Christians" but nothing more. They go to church, but they have no real spiritual foundation. I see couples who are together who don't love or respect each other. It is like... why? So that creates my doubt in relationships. I was a relationship hater and thought that they were dumb. I wanted to move to NYC be a super busy girl working for ABC Marketing and not have the time for it. And you know.... those doors shut tight. The doors shut for me to continue at Shoreline, and now those doors are closing at Lakeside.

You know the phrase "When one door closes, another one opens"? I am not seeing the later half of that.