Not Knowing

I hate not knowing. I also hate being put into suspense... when it has to do with me. I am not good at waiting, God knows that. For the past 10 years (well 10 years in July) I have lived in one of the most beautiful places with amazing people. I have made wonderful relationships with people who have impacted my life. Some of those people have been in my life for just a short season, and others are still here for what could be a lifetime.

Lately, and when I mean lately I mean like several months, I have been itching.... to go. Go somewhere new, or somewhere that can help fill in the blanks to things I desire to have in my life. I love the central coast, but I will say... it is a cutesy town where everyone is married with kids in their 20's and I am not there, and you definitely can feel like an outsider. Not to say I don't want those things... I do... but I am not rushing either. When I am ready to have those things.... the pool is quite mirky.... and what is in the pool... not much. The pressure to have the family is something I think that happens in a small town. In a bigger city no one cares as much, the couple cliques aren't there, and the pressure is off. There are moments where I don't want to get married ever because I like the freedom to go and do what I please and also... 50% of marriages end in divorce, I am watching it happen right now in my own family and I can't handle it at times. It infuriates me because people's true colors come out in the moments of "getting what's theirs" or rather what they think is there. I don't want the same odds. But as I itch towards 30 in the next two years and kick and scream to get there... I wonder if I missed a boat to go somewhere I should be. Am I behind? Have I forever missed what I should have? I have pursued NY and it seems to get my hopes up and crash and burn. Maybe it is just supposed to be a special place I visit every year.... I wonder these things and I pray all the time that God would open my heart to where I am supposed to be if it is not NY.

Currently, I am pursuing option 2.... Southern California. Unlike my last attempt that took me miserably to San Diego where I was in a bout of serious depression, I came back because I left for the wrong reasons. I had left to hide and I complained the whole time to everyone around me. Well here we are 4 years after that experiment and working for a company I like, and making good money... all good stuff right?! But something is missing..... the other stuff I want at some point, and it won't happen here most likely. I don't like the Bay Area... and well.... I don't know where else to go... but I know I need to go somewhere. So Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley seems like the best option because I know it. It is familiar, there is no big adjustment. So... we shall see where this road takes me.