In a Funk

I have definitely been in a funk the past few days... maybe the past couple of weeks. I am not in a bad mood or a good mood... I am just kinda going through the motions. I am so overloaded with school, work, and everything else that I just want to hide under the covers and stop time and just have time to think and breathe.

I am not too sure where God wants me, and I have the general idea that he doesn't necessarily care where we are geographically speaking (unless we are called to be missionaries-- not my calling that I am aware of). My heart is and always has been New York. I feel like it is the hardest pursuance and I will end up settling for some thing else as I think about alternatives. I didn't get the position I applied for within Verizon in NY. I truly am at peace with it because it was the most intimidating feeling applying to a store that is the biggest and highest volume store in the nation.... especially coming from a store of 10 employees to going to a store of 35 and so.... I am learning... you get lots of no's in life-- you only need one yes. I would like to have that be sooner rather than later. I just know I am ready and eager to go "somewhere". I am very blessed to work where I do and live where I do, I have never said otherwise. My options are limited in this area for what I can do to make a decent living and well can we say the "available pool of 'worth my time' bachelor pool" is limited.... VERY limited. I am out of the "prime" age to find someone in this area. I am usually not overly concerned with this due to the fact that I don't really care too much when I am not in a rut (or I am lying to myself-- one of the two). Maybe I am just too picky about things.... like where I live and how it happens and what I want from life and a person.

I have always been a goal oriented person; knowing what I want and working hard to get it. That goes back to wanting to move to SLO, get in to Cal Poly, get into Grad School, working.... all of it. Patience is not my strong suit, but when you see life moving for everyone else around you-- it makes you think "what is wrong with me?" or "what am I missing?". There are moments I have even found myself asking "Have I ticked God off in some way that I am not going to get "a" "b" and "c"." I do wonder these things.

I don't usually share this kinda stuff with anyone. I mean... everyone has their own junk going on-- taking on mine would be clear insanity. I also feel like it is child-like whining, and that is not something I want to be known for. I am usually go with the flow and if it doesn't matter a week from now, I don't give it much thought. I look at my goals and dreams and wonder when those things will begin taking fold in my life, and what am I doing to prevent it from happening sooner.

The past few weeks I have wondered after a sermon at church if everything I want it just gonna get the same answer from God: Wait. Oh good.... more waiting. I am more open to moving back down to the San Fernando Valley than I was even a year ago. After the experience in San Diego (and where I was at the time emotionally and mentally), it scares me to think about what will happen. I moved to San Diego to run.... to run from life, my feelings, and at a time when life was just sucking (quite emo). I think those months and that year and a half changed me. I put people through hell and back and yet also found out the true friends in my life through that and lost some friends a long the way. I am thankful every moment for those who stuck by me through my self-destruction because they saw beyond that. I feel as though maybe I am now holding myself back.... getting complacent... and this funk isn't helping.

Prayers for balance with school and work (as I apply for an incomplete in one of my classes), health as I feel like this is taking a toll on that in the area of exhaustion. I am always tired (more than usual), and feel like I am gonna cry or scream at any moment. You know it is bad when you cry in front of your manager....I get sleep, but I feel like my brain is probably on all night.

Writing has always been the best way for me to sort out the chaos that goes through my head 24/7, and simplify it. It may look simple, but really it is quite convoluted.