Do I love God enough?

I think already the answer to this is: no.

Let me backtrack a bit... This week I talked to a dear friend whom I have known since my early college days (seems forever ago now). They are someone I remember always being full of energy, and someone you couldn't get to stop moving. Always had to do something, go somewhere... be active. And this was someone passionate about the Lord and was active with their church and other community groups with Cal Poly and the community. Fast forward to a few years later... graduated, married, has a great little family... and things are very different. Not the same outgoing, loves people, and adventure. Now seems as though they are "trapped" in a life they don't want, and they have no happiness or joy. They said it themselves... they don't know how to love God.

It is easy to say "well yes it is... just do what he tells you to do". But truly that statement alone is a challenge. Because if we love God we will keep his commandments. We will worship him with how we live our lives. He doesn't call us to be qualified to be in a relationship with him, just willing. He will do the rest. Sometimes we don't think we are good enough-- well none of us are, and God knows that. If there was a certain standard on "how bad we are" before coming to him and he said you can only be "this" bad... and the rest are not in.... well no one would make the mark. Because with God it is all or nothing. You can't fool God.
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It takes a lifetime to truly know God, and even when we die... we won't know everything. It takes an eternity. But we know the basics... God so loved the world, that he gave his only son. We know he sacrificed something HUGE because in return he was not having to sacrifice us. His creations... his children. All of his children. It is our choice to except that. Now, it is all in faith, but it is also in knowing God is active, relentless, and working. I see God work all the time... in healing others, in speaking to others... for me it is humbling me in the moments where my pride gets the best of me. God and I have this relationship where it is just real. The best kind of communication-- blunt and to the point. If I mess up, oh I will know quickly. I can't keep my head in the sand forever for God. But.... if I believe, have the faith, and wake up every morning and say I love the one who sent his son to die for me. I love the one who provides for my needs, protects me, and gives me peace... today I chose happiness. I choose to be content. I will love God today by loving others, being open and ready in and out of season for how he wants to use me. I see where I am in my walk with the Lord or what I believe when I am sitting in my car driving to work or home from work singing to Chris Tomlin or Matt Redman, or even the Newboys. I see God working in my life as he gives me the words to share with others, encourage... they are definitely his words and not my own. I believe it all... but sometimes in these moments when I lay out my faith... I am reminded on what it is I do base my beliefs on. My favorite song when I am feeling bummed, and it was first introduced to me in one of the lowest times of my life: San Diego. It was a harsh 4 months... and I wouldn't want to relive it... but it was a personal hell on the inside for long after I moved out and back home to the central coast. God never let go. While I worked to push people away and destroy them in the process... and just  being self destructive.. there was God... "No, Caitlyn, I am not going to let you do this!!" I was blessed and I still am with the people who stuck by me. Those who never gave up on me... they were a testament for God's love and his relentlessness to me. My roommates, church friends, even my non-Christian friends...  (Matt Redman "You Never Let Go")

I lost friends too... and even coming out of the wreckage and wondering... could we be friends now... with who I am today and how I see things now, and where God is in my life... could it be? Could we love each other again? And I don't know the answer. Obviously God has not put them back in my life.... so that may be a no. But we still love because HE first loved us. We show the grace and mercy to others we want shown to us. We pray for those because were it reversed we hope we would be loved enough to be prayed for. For those to love us enough to not give up hope. God is the example of relentless love. If you haven't read 'Crazy Love' by Francis Chan, I highly recommend it!!! It touches very much on this subject.

So... if you struggle with "Do I love God enough?" "Do I love people enough?" "Will I ever love God enough?" Then you are not alone. But it is our heart. Loving genuinely, unconditionally, and with out expecting a thing in return. God loves us... he loves the world, and yet many reject it. Your love may get rejected by some, but God will bless you for blessing others in His time.